40 weeks is a LOOOOONG time!!!

My first pregnancy was golden. It was a complete dream & I loved every minute of it. This time around though, not so much. For those of you who have never had a baby, here’s what you have to look forward to for 40 weeks!!!

First Trimester-

Your boobs hurt. You can no longer stand the smell of steak cooking (or anything else for that matter). Your favorite pair of jeans starts to get a bit snug & you’re wondering if maybe you should be hitting the gym a little harder. Not that you really need to, since everything you put into your mouth is coming right back up. Acne pops up on your face & you can’t seem to watch any type of inspirational show without wanting to bawl. Disney movies will definitely make you want to curl up in a ball and sob…Poor Simba *sniffle*. He just wants *hiccup hiccup* to be brave *sniff sniff* but he’s just a baby lion *waaaaaaah*.

Second Trimester-

Your boobs no longer fit in your bra, but you can’t go buy a new one because in a few months they’re going to be even bigger. There’s also a good chance they may even be leaking a strange yellowish liquid that the doctor insists is totally normal no matter how creepy & gross it looks You can’t stop eating. Big meals seem like distant memories 20 minutes after you finish them. You get mysterious aches & pains in your whole body & start to feel what can only be described as a trapped goldfish in your stomach.  Speaking of that stomach… your burgeoning belly is barely making the transition from really big lunch to cute little baby belly & everybody wants to touch it. This includes your family, friends, co-workers, & strangers in line behind you at Wal-Mart. You’re still emotional & sometimes a little crazy. My sister & I call it “Going Rummy” due to a screaming fit I had over a game of Rummy during my first pregnancy.

Third Trimester-

Guess what is STILL getting bigger??? That’s right…your boobs.  Your belly is beyond cute now & is pretty much just in the way. Simple things like getting up from the couch become an Olympic event that require you to find the perfect amount of momentum to get up, but not fall over once you are up. You can’t sleep no matter what position you get into. You pee every 5 min & yet the doctor keeps telling you to drink more. You can only eat a bird sized portion of food which means you’re constantly eating. Soon as you have food in your stomach though, heartburn strikes.  On the other end…one word…hemorrhoids. That is…if you even can poop.  Nothing fits & you finally give in & put on the big ugly maternity pants that you swore to God you were NEVER going to wear. Once you put them on…you won’t want to take them off. That trapped goldfish has turned into a ninja master who finds new ways to punch & kick you in body parts you didn’t even know you had. You’ll watch in creepy amazement as your baby somersaults across your stomach & makes it look like something out of Alien. Your body is just wore out & tired & you just want it to be over with. People start saying helpful & encouraging phrases such as “Geez, you’re STILL pregnant?!?!” & “Aren’t you ever going to have this baby???”  Oddly enough, as tired, huge, and achy as you are, you develop an irresistible urge to clean your whole home 6, 7, 8, times. This phenomenon, known as nesting, is going to consume every waking moment. You won’t rest until you mop just one more time & get all the folds in the baby’s shirts juuuuust right. This final phase of pregnancy culminates with screaming, sweating, grunting, cursing, blood, fluid, and sometimes poops. Oh…& they won’t let you eat…bastards. Everything after that is its own horror show of grossness with puke, poop, blood, and snot for the next 18 years.

All these things might make you wonder why ANYBODY wants to have babies nowadays. Believe it or not though, all those bitches, moans, gripes, and complaints can’t even begin to compare to the first moment you hold your baby. As you sit there all the bad things suddenly are forgotten and all you can do is marvel at her perfect eyebrows and count his tiny fingers & itty bitty toes. And that’s just in the first 5 minutes. From then on, the rest of your life is going to be filled with these moments of wonder & joy. Makes every bit of those 40 weeks of pain & the stress of the next 18 years more than worth it.