"Now don't worry too much about this..."
I'm sure the doctor said more after that, but the part before it caused my brain to freeze up and I didn't hear another word. Instead of making me feel better, that phrase made me want to shake her & scream "DON'T WORRY?!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!" In the span of one 20 minute appointment I found out I had placenta previa, I am a carrier of cystic fibrosis, and there is a borderline abnormality in my baby's brain. If you've never been pregnant you may have no idea what the first two are, but even Snooki could tell you the brain problem is a bad thing.
Placenta previa is when the placenta covers part of, or in my case, all of the cervix. Common in early pregnancy, it usually moves to a higher spot as your uterus grows. Mine most likely will not completely uncover my cervix. My pregnancy is now higher risk, I'll have to take it easy, and my third trimester will probably end up on bed rest. I also will have to deliver by c-section. E-Bee was a c-section and I was leaning towards having another one, and honestly, my only reason for wanting to try VBAC would be to say that I did it. So a c-section is fine by me. My job pays short term disability & I get 12 weeks of medical leave, so missing work to be on bed rest isn't going to hurt. Thanks to an amazing babysitter E-Bee is even taken care of if need be. On the list of things I'm worried about...the previa is low. Sure I'll miss working out like I'm used to, but I'll just have to cut back on the bad foods instead...I take it back...this is going to suck!
Cystic fibrosis is an inherited disease that causes thick sticky mucus to build up in the lungs & digestive track. In order to have the disease both chromosomes must have the abnormal gene on it. If only one chromosome has it then the person is a carrier, like me. Testing is provided for those with a family history of it and offered to those who are planning to conceive or already pregnant. I was tested when I was pregnant with my daughter, but because there are different strains, it is possible the Navy didn't test for the one I carry, but my current doctor did. Dad is going to get tested now to find out if he is a carrier. If he doesn't carry it, then there is no chance of Slash having it. If he is a carrier then they'll test the baby to find out if he has it...chances are 1 in 4 that he'll have it, 1 in 2 that he'll be a carrier, and 1 in 4 that he won't have either and be a-ok. I know I should be optimistic & save the worrying for after the test...but you might as well tell me leprechauns are real.
Now for his brain. The same ultrasound that found my little kiddo has a dingle dangle also found that the separation between the right & left halves of his brain is at the maximum limit...1 cm. Such a tiny distance separates normal and abnormal. The doctor told me since I am 2 weeks behind where they calculated I was...16 weeks & 5 days instead of 18 + 5...there's a good chance that the halves just haven't finished growing yet. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Once again...let's hear about those leprechauns...might as well throw in some fairies & unicorns because I am so far from optimistic, I can barely say the word.
I want to scream. I want to hit things. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want my doctor to call and tell me it was a mistake and she was looking at the wrong ultrasound. Most of all I want Google to stop working so I don't have to know all the terrible things in my future. The illnesses that come with CF, the developmental delays of a brain problem. I love this baby, not since I first saw the pink plus sign like his sister, but from the moment I heard his strong little heartbeat. Even if he has CF and his brain doesn't develop properly, I cannot abort him because to me he is a baby already, my baby as much as E-Bee was during my first pregnancy and I love him as much so abortion is not an option. But I'm terrified imaging taking care of a handicapped child. My hands are full with full time work & school and chasing after Bee, how am I going to give the extra care and attention a baby with cystic fibrosis will need? How will I afford the additional medical bills? How will I be able to see my baby struggle to breathe every day & have to be the one to pound on his little chest to break up the gunk? Most of all I worry...will I truly love him as much as E-Bee once he is here? Will I resent the extra sacrifices I will have to make the rest of my life? Actually...not my life...people with CF die young. How can I bury my baby boy?
I am absolutely terrified and these weeks until all CF testing is done and until that next ultrasound are going to be incredibly hard. If you find those leprechauns, fairies, unicorns, or even a four leaf clover...pass it along please.
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