Aren't men suppose to be faster shoppers than women? My daughter's father went to the store to get something for dinner and I asked him to pick wipes since I was all out. That was about 45 min ago. Twenty minutes ago E-Bee woke up and her butt reeked to high heaven. I could smell it as soon as I walked in the room. That horrific smell that Satan himself would have rejected that promises the most unholy mess to ever be created by a human being. I lifted her up sure I was going to see the tell tale dark spot on her leg or lower back letting me know that this diaper change was going to be more intensive than usual. Luckily for me, the diaper had held. Cringing as I pulled the top away from her back I was relieved not to see the mess creeping it's way up my daughter's freakishly long butt crack. No joke, my daughter doesn't just have a butt crack...she has a back crack. I'm sure as she gets older & builds up her butt it might become more proportionate, but right now her ass is flatter than any stereotypical white girl & her butt crack ends about two inches below the top of the diaper. When she was an infant & spent most of her time on her back, every poop ended up out of her diaper. Fortunately since she started eating solid foods, her poop has in turn become more solid and this one didn't look like it was going to be creeping up anywhere. Throwing up a quick thank you to the gods of poop, I sent my well rested and wiggly little girl out to play.
You're probably asking why I don't change her right away. What kind of mother just leaves her baby in a poopy diaper? Well I'm all out of baby wipes and did I mention the water is turned off? Broken waterline or some other nuisance that means no water for who knows how long. So unless I want to wipe my baby's butt with lysol wipes, or rinse her with cold bottled water from the fridge, we're just going to have to wait until daddy gets back. I'm really not worried about her well being...she's got some pretty tough skin. Only time she's ever gotten a diaper rash was when I bought Luvs instead of her usual Pampers. I can put her to bed in a Pampers Baby Dry & not need to change her until she gets up in the morning. Her diaper will be filled with pee front to back, but her skin will be perfectly normal. She pees twice in a Luvs diaper & her poor little cheeks are red as a cherry. Never again. I'm actually worried about the poop getting out of the diaper. My roommate is extremely understanding and loving with E-Bee, but she draws the line at poop around the apartment. So if I want to continue to have a place to live...I need that poop to stay in the diaper!!! The absolute worst thing that could happen would be a repeat of the poop-scapade from this summer.
About six months old and having just mastered sitting up, E-Bee was happier when I wasn't right there to play with her & mommy was certainly happier to be able to get chores done while she was awake. Taking advantage of a post snack happy phase, I was washing dishes while E-Bee happily banged her toys against the sliding glass door & yelled incoherent sounds at whatever imaginary friends she was playing with. About halfway through drying the dishes, I realized Bee had been a little too quiet for a little too long. I went into the living room to check on her. There was something all over her face & hands & the glass. "What the heck did you get into?" I asked her, moving closer. About 3 feet away, the smell hit me & I realized the mess my daughter was happily squishing in her hands & rubbing on everything & eating...yes...EATING...was poop. Her diaper was still on & intact, she had just reached her hand into the leg & started scooping it out. Horrified, I snatched her up & ran to the bathroom. Assuming we were playing some new game my gross little baby reached for my face shrieking with joy. I thrust her away from my face, body, and ran the last few feet to the bathroom. Not wanting to burn her with our unusually hot water, I sat her in the middle of the bathroom floor and started adjusting. Unfortunately, the bathroom wasn't very wide & E-Bee happily reached over & finger painted the white walls with the brown green poop still on her hands. Water finally at a safe temperature, I plopped my little poop monster into the tub diaper, onesie, sandals, and all. Bee loves bath time & sat there splashing sending drops of water & waves that were becoming dirtier & grosser by the minute. All I could do was look at her and slowly give into the complete hilarity of the whole situation. I laughed until tears were running down my face and E-Bee looked at me puzzled by what was going on. I drained the water & let her play in the running faucet while I wiped the walls. I washed her down from head to toe three times just to make sure I got all the poop from her hair, ears, nose, and fat rolls. The fat rolls took the longest...she has a lot of them. I dried her, lotioned her, dressed her, and put her down for her perfectly timed afternoon nap. Then it was time to tackle the mess in the living room. I stood there sighing & saying eff my life for a few minutes, got a beer from the fridge, stared at it some more. Then finally got together everything I would need to sanitize my living room. Once everything was clean again and I bathed myself to remove the residue I could feel clinging to my whole body, I went in to look at my baby girl. Sound asleep with her face buried in her bear, hair on the back of her neck wet with sweat because she's always heats up when she sleeps. I forgot how much work she had just created for me. She was absolutely perfect.
I hear her grunting right now in the kitchen...which means she's doubling up the load in her diaper. But I also just saw dad walk by the window. This mess is all his.
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